Scene1 Dressing room High Halstow Village Hall.
Imagine a dressing room full, and I mean full, of half dressed people in various states of exhibitionism. The sounds of Ian Stone playing excerpts from previous shows can be heard wafting in from front of house.
Jane, Pauline’s daughter has missed the bus in Rochester and Pauline has gone to pick her up, Hilda is late home from work so husband Mick and son Alex are not here either and June has gone home for a clothes rack.)
(Enter George wearing only underpants and black socks)
Fred (already changed for the show and looking at his watch) “George 30 minutes to go”
George (shouts) “30 minutes”
(Extreme exhibitionism continues)
George (now wearing first number pirate costume shouts). “15 minutes”
Hazel (looking up at George) “Which way round do the switches need to be on this mic, It’s not working”
Still no Pauline Oh! And the radio mics need new batteries,
George “Give it here…. I’ll go change the batteries” (changes back to normal dress to go front of house exit dressing room door)
Mark (wearing only tights from his first scene captains costume) “Are the seams straight in the back of my tights”.
Denis “Are they your tights Mark??”
Geoff (being personally dressed and fussed over by Di) “Who’s moved my fish? That’s my lucky fish that is! I can’t go on without my fish who’s got my fish….”
George (enters dressing room door wearing only underpants and black socks shouts) “Seven minutes”
Enter The Woolmington’s (Hilda Mick & Alex) all calm and collected.
Mick “Are we late!!?”
Pauline Enters rushing and flushed followed by Jane slowly and quite calm
Pauline Indignant “why aren’t you ready yet? The curtain must go up in 10 mins!!!”
George (wearing first number pirate costume shouts) “No Pauline 4 minutes!!”
Pauline (now frantically half naked) “Oh Sh .. ! Where’s Anita??”
Lyn Lambourne (wearing rear of cow costume from last years Panto) “Sorting out the raffle prizes.”
Hilda “Pauline! am I in the first scene??”
George shouts “1 minute…. places everybody!! …. where’s Gary”
Enter Gary carrying Hazel’s mic and eight gallons of water in four metal buckets that he is hiding from George)
Gary “I’ve changed the batteries in Hazels mic she said it doesn’t work”
Scene changes to immediately back stage
Lesley “Nobody’s turned the house lights off… who’s supposed to do that?”
Jenny “Richard’s got it under control”
Lesley “They should be off now!!…..Where’s George…”
Enter George wearing first number pirate costume
George “Why are the house lights still on!!”
(Exit George ripping clothing from his person)
(House lights dim queue the music! We’re off! )
It may all seem disjointed to you the audience! I can assure you it is! But we wouldn’t change a thing, except perhaps the hall.